National Coming Out Day - The Big Lie

Today is National Coming Out Day. This probably won't win me many friends, but this day bothers me. A lot. It's right up there with the whole It Gets Better movement. They're both fairy tales, as far as I can tell. 

People who aren’t gay have this idea that coming out is something a person does and gets over with, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. There is no getting it over with. Coming out is something most of us have to do over and over again, during our lives. We come out to parents. To friends. To neighbors. To nosy people who get it into their heads to fix us up with nice guys they know. To nice guys (and not so nice guys) who have other ideas. The worst part is that it never gets easier. Coming out over and over again is like pulling off a scab before a cut has fully healed.

The whole National Coming Out Day thing boils down the act of identifying as queer to an episode. You come out, and then the world knows you're gay, and everything is ok, and you move on, and tell the world your coming out story. 

Bullshit. 

Unless you're a celebrity who comes out in front of the whole world, any queer person in the world will spend a lifetime coming out. Worse, still: being queer also means having to decide when to lay low, and not call attention to one's self. I'd put money down that every ordinary queer person who has come out to friends and relatives has been faced with at least one situation where he or she has had to decide if doing the opposite wouldn't serve them better. Maybe they've had a beard accompany them to a work function, or just gone along with heterocentric conversation while in the company of a large group of straight people who are clearly less than queer-friendly. Maybe they've introduced their same-sex partner as a cousin, out of safety, or to get an apartment, or keep a job. 

A few days ago, I had to fly to Orange County. A few minutes before leaving for the airport, I realized I was wearing my "Make America Gay, Again" tshirt. This shirt always gets me smiles in SF, and perfect strangers yelling from across the street, "Cool shirt!" Before leaving for my trip, I realized it might not be a safe piece of clothing to have on when landing at John Wayne Airport (even the NAME of that airport gives me the willies.) I realized that, where I was going, outside of the queer-friendly enclave where I spend most of my time, my shirt might be problematic. I realized that I might not get great service, if I checked in wearing that shirt. I realized that, at a family-friendly resort, that tshirt might be considered offensive or obscene. I changed my shirt. 

When I changed my shirt, it was the same as deciding that coming out in Orange County was not something I wanted or needed to do. Because coming out in Orange County might actually mean trouble.

I have to come out ALL THE TIME, over and over again. All queer people do. 

The whole thing is tedious and demoralizing.  So, no - I'm not big on National Coming Out Day. It makes as much sense to me as Black History Month, which is basically an excuse for schools to just IGNORE the rich history of black people for 11 months of the school year.