Random Questions

What the hell is DOLL brand beer? Couldn't they think of a better fake name for the stuff Frank gets drunk on? And, why does he even need a six-pack, if he's headed back to the bar?

Why is Frank hanging out at a lesbian bar? Check out the two bar maids, not to mention the chick who hits on him. 

I know Emma goes to an expensive private school, but they take way too many field trips. The landfill. The organic farm. Some overnight jaunt. Do they actually learn anything?

What makes Blake comfortable horning in on two women she knows, but isn't close to?

Further, does she have any concept of boundaries?

Who ripped Olivia's back open and pulled her spine out? Why is she so passive as Blake shoots her mouth, in a pretty nasty way, about something that's clearly making Natalia uncomfortable? Even a plain, old, platonic best friend would be all, "Hey! Watch how you talk to her!"

When did getting a massage or salt treatment become a spectator sport? Would anyone allow someone to sit by and watch as they had a spa treatment???

How the hell do the girls think they'll each get home, if they arrived in one car, but have decided that one of them will storm off? Don't they know they're gearing up for the Sam-and-Diane/ "are you as turned on as I am?" moment?

Doesn't it freak the shit out of Mallet that he used to have Frank as a brother-in-law, and now he has him as a father-in-law? And does it make Marina throw up a little bit in her mouth, every time she looks at her baptism photo, in which Mallet is holding her in his arms? Because he's her GODFATHER!!!!!

Why is Shayne worried about Reva showing Dinah his baby pictures? Doesn't he remember that Dinah is Vanessa's daughter, and that Vanessa was married to Billy, and that Dinah was totally around when Shayne was a baby?  Oh, no, he doesn't remember...because Dinah used to be like 17 years older than him, and now they're the same age. 

Why do people think it's weird that Marina actually wants to, you know, spend time with her new baby??? Every time she talks about leaving work, or worrying about Henry, she's laughed at as if she's suggested the moon is made of cream cheese. They went to a lot of trouble to adopt that kid, of course she wants to be with him. It's called "PARENTING."

An open letter to Frank Cooper

Dear Frank,

You'd better sit down, Frank. I know you've had a great shock today. You have to admit, though, that there have been signs. Big signs. Billboards. Lesbians on the lawn wearing sandwich boards. The Spaulding jet writing "Otalia" in a trail of smoke. If you just try and think about it (I know that hurts...but thinking is like doing sit-ups: no pain, no gain), you'll realize that most platonic women friends don't do everything together, all the time. Or guiltily drop hands and stop touching just because someone walks into the room.  And, most times, if a woman really loves a man, and they've just had sex for the first time, she won't rush off to get back home to her "best friend." And, I know this may be surprising, but when a guy gets jilted at the alter, and he chases after his girl...most times her "best friend" won't feel compelled to stick around during that private discussion, let alone do all the talking.  And, just between you and me, Frank, my platonic friends and I never stand six inches away from one another, holding hands, staring intently into each others eyes, weeping. I save that for sort of thing for for, say, a woman I'm desperately in love with. I'm just saying. 

Now, you're not a bad guy, Frank. In fact, you're a pretty good guy. You're more than that. You're a little bit of a patsy, to be honest. Because, Frank, while I don't for a minute think Olivia and Natalia set out to hurt you, the fact is, you were the perfect fall guy. All you had to do was fall in love with Natalia (not too hard to do - she's easy on the eye, and sweet as pie) and not be too quick-witted. And you're good at that. The not-too-quick-witted part, I mean. The falling in love part was never all that convincing. If you're honest with yourself, I think you'll find that you weren't so much in love with Natalia as you were with the idea of not being the loneliest guy in town, anymore.  But, you know, Blake is finished being the grieving widow, and you guys used to knock boots back in the day. She looks more than eager to pay some attention to you, again. Make no mistake, Frank, it'll be pity sex, pure and simple. I mean, she was married to Ross Marler, for heaven's sake. That's a hard act to follow. But, as far as I can tell, she's 100% heterosexual. Good luck with that.

xo Snapper

P.S.: Oh, and stop making those junkyard dog eyes at Olivia. It's embarrassing. You and I both know that she could wipe the floor with you.