An open letter to Frank Cooper

Dear Frank,

You'd better sit down, Frank. I know you've had a great shock today. You have to admit, though, that there have been signs. Big signs. Billboards. Lesbians on the lawn wearing sandwich boards. The Spaulding jet writing "Otalia" in a trail of smoke. If you just try and think about it (I know that hurts...but thinking is like doing sit-ups: no pain, no gain), you'll realize that most platonic women friends don't do everything together, all the time. Or guiltily drop hands and stop touching just because someone walks into the room.  And, most times, if a woman really loves a man, and they've just had sex for the first time, she won't rush off to get back home to her "best friend." And, I know this may be surprising, but when a guy gets jilted at the alter, and he chases after his girl...most times her "best friend" won't feel compelled to stick around during that private discussion, let alone do all the talking.  And, just between you and me, Frank, my platonic friends and I never stand six inches away from one another, holding hands, staring intently into each others eyes, weeping. I save that for sort of thing for for, say, a woman I'm desperately in love with. I'm just saying. 

Now, you're not a bad guy, Frank. In fact, you're a pretty good guy. You're more than that. You're a little bit of a patsy, to be honest. Because, Frank, while I don't for a minute think Olivia and Natalia set out to hurt you, the fact is, you were the perfect fall guy. All you had to do was fall in love with Natalia (not too hard to do - she's easy on the eye, and sweet as pie) and not be too quick-witted. And you're good at that. The not-too-quick-witted part, I mean. The falling in love part was never all that convincing. If you're honest with yourself, I think you'll find that you weren't so much in love with Natalia as you were with the idea of not being the loneliest guy in town, anymore.  But, you know, Blake is finished being the grieving widow, and you guys used to knock boots back in the day. She looks more than eager to pay some attention to you, again. Make no mistake, Frank, it'll be pity sex, pure and simple. I mean, she was married to Ross Marler, for heaven's sake. That's a hard act to follow. But, as far as I can tell, she's 100% heterosexual. Good luck with that.

xo Snapper

P.S.: Oh, and stop making those junkyard dog eyes at Olivia. It's embarrassing. You and I both know that she could wipe the floor with you.