Friday, May 1, 2009

What's wrong with this picture?

So much is right in Springfield, right now, and I hate to be the voice of gloom and doom, but a lot is also wrong. A lot that really ought to be fixed if Guiding Light has any chance at a future. 
I don't know when bringing along a couple of cameras to a fan event became a de-facto episode, let alone a whole week's worth of episodes, but it was a bad thing. The Orlando nonsense has got to come to an end. Please, God...let it be soon.  It's not only implausible (if Frank is drinking at a pub at noon, and the entire staff of Company has taken an impromptu trip to Universal Studios, who the hell is serving chili? Bill can't propose if Alan is in the same state? There are no lines at Universal Studios? Grown adults get as excited and worked up over some theme park Sinbad routine as I did when I saw Vanessa Redgrave doing The Year of Magical Thinking??? Bill and Lizzie are having sex on some lakeside lawn at Universal Studios when they know that Alan is actively searching for them????), it's boring as hell. And, really, who really cares about this couple? Is there a reason to care? Bill is cute, with those dimples, and all. BUt that's it. Lizzie is decidedly NOT cute, and not nice. In fact, she's obnoxious. And that whole "Lizzie never had a childhood" drivel? She's a grown woman who talks and behaves as if she were 12!!! Instead of a "welcome to your childhood" week, she should have been treated to a "grow the fuck up, already" boot camp. Blizzie is the polar opposite of Otalia. If Otalia is a SuperCouple, Blizzie is a PooperScooper Couple. 

I love Olivia and Natalia. I do. It's because of them that I returned to GL after giving up on it a while ago. They're gorgeous and interesting and funny and they have amazing chemistry. They do the whole characters-acting-the-way-people-in-real-life-act thing really, really well. And Olivia looks really great in jeans. Plus, you know, the whole great-cheek-bones-and-million-dollar-pout will get no complaints from me. Beautiful, beautiful woman. But what the fuck is up with the rift Natalia and Olivia's love seems to have caused in the time-space continuum? I'm assuming Natalia planned some time off from work for a honeymoon, and she's taking that time off to justsort things out, even though the dreaded nuptials never went down. I'll make that assumption, as it explains why these two miss each other so much and aren't together on a Wednesday morning when, you know, normal people WORK. We have Olivia calling Natalia on the phone during what appears to be the early morning hours - Olivia is ironing something pink for invisible Emma, and trying to figure out what the hell sandwich the little moppet has requested for lunch. So far, so good. What follows, though, makes no sense. First, Natalia says, sheepishly, "You haven't eaten lunch yet." Dude. It's 8am.  Then, Olivia goes all the way out to the farm to "learn how to make peanut butter and banana sandwiches."  I'd be fine if that remained a euphemism for "check out my righteous, secret girlfriend and find an excuse to touch her mouth." But Olivia actually does stand around making sandwiches for Emma who, by the time the sandwiches are done and delivered to Springfield Elementary, will find herself featured on a Save The Children commercial.  A child is  waiting...waiting for her two mommies to bring her damn lunch to her, already. I don't know about you, but I took my lunch to school with me - my mother didn't deliver it at dusk. 

Doris. Where to start? I want to love Doris. I do. I did love her at the-little-wedding-that-couldn't. She was a little bit of a freakin'  lesbian superhero, herself, that day.  But, seriously, what is she doing at a bar at 9am? And not just a bar, but some crappy ass ass dive that looks like it's tucked away behind a loading zone down by the docks??? I can understand her going to Towers for a power lunch with martinis, but the bar where she ran into Frank looked like a goddamn VFW hall/ bingo parlor. And a security detail? Really? For the mayor of Springfield? Then again, it's not as if the town hasn't had its share of murders, rapes and kidnappings. 

Bosnia. I understand budgetary constraints, but I don't buy a suburban park in New Jersey as Bosnia. Or the whole traveling between Springfield and Bosnia as if it's a leisurely afternoon jaunt. Shayne and Dinah returned from Fake Bosnia and were immediately summoned to baby Henry's adoption party,which they didn't want to attend. You know what a great excuse would have been, geniuses? "We just got back from fucking Bosnia and we're jet-lagged." because it isn't a leisurely afternoon jaunt. It's hardcore international travel. And, could psycho-nun be any more annoying? The whole adoption/Lara story could be a whole lot better, if it weren't so cheesy. 

I've saved Alan for last, because he's reached a tragic low. I have no idea who that guy romping around in a wet t-shirt is, but it's not Alan Spaulding. Can the head writers spend a couple of hours going over old GL and figure out who Alan really is? Because that guy up there, that simpering fool who's plotting goofy trips to Orlando to thwart Bill is not Alan Spaulding. The real Alan Spauding, my Alan Spaulding doesn't get on a plane to Orlando. He hires someone to set Bill up...maybe to look as if he's committed a terrible crime. When my Alan Spaulding wants Lizzie to come home, he sends someone to kidnap her. Where is the real Alan Spaulding? 


Anonymous said...

You hit the nail on the head on all points, ESPECIALLY the Universal Studios crap. I've fast-forwarded through 99% of that. Ridiculous drivel. - QWM

Liz and Dani said...

WORD on this not being the real Alan Spaulding.

Liz and I have discussed this - I just feel like he's becoming a caricature these days. The real Alan Spaulding is smart and devious, with the resources to be dangerous. He's not a fumbling moron who rants pointlessly and organizes family trips to Universal Studios to "rescue" Lizzie.

I was telling Liz, I felt like sort of a bastard for yawning through most of the Universal stuff this week, when it seemed like some fans were praising the "fun." I'm glad the actors enjoyed themselves, but it was lacking in excitement and drama for me. Kind of glad it's over.

Re: Lara/Shayne - I have so many rants about that storyline. Suffice to say it's full of so many inane coincidences and ridiculousness, I can't take it too seriously. New Jersey Bosnia is actually probably the least of my issues with it. There is no way in hell a woman blown to shreds by a mine gives birth to a baby that lives, just like there's NO way in hell they don't contact her family about said baby. I could go on and on, but maybe I'll save that rant.

Enjoyed the post!

- Dani